So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
