ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
