well you can't waste a boner
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
