I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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