it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
