i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
