I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
