remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize