I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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