Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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