if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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