i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
