our cab driver is having phone sex.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
