Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
