I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
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