no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
