do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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