why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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