You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
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