I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
