oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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