the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
