the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Randomize
