I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
