I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
