im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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