So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Randomize
