clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
pop tarts are not kleenex
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
