i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
