The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
