hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
