my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize