I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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