Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
