So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
