New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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