i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
