omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
