finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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