i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
