He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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