Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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