I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
