New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
