my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
being pregnant is like rehab
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
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