My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
