Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
