Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
