I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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