My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you win again, gameday.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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