Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
