I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
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