If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
