I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
