dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
