hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
