Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
3 2 1 whiskey
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
false alarm, still single
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
