You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
