I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
