Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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