jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
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