You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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