Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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