I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
