Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
