i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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